Rita Reports
by SiriusBDobby
Summary: Just everyone's favourite Rita Skeeter reporting on Hogwarts Quidditch matches.
1. Chapter 1

Rita Skeeter reports on Quidditch!

**Quidditch match of the year? Gryffindor and Slytherin face off in brutal game! **

**March 15 1975**

What for both houses was perhaps the most important quidditch game of the year, turned out to be less of a Quidditch match and more of a barbaric fight between trolls. Both sides commited possibly a million offenses combined including hitting seekers with beaters' bats or punching keepers off their brooms in order to score. Gryffindor quidditch captain and chaser James Potter came face to face with his arch enemy; Slytherin chaser, Severus Snape. Slimy hook nosed Snape had aimed a nastly looking jinx at broomstick haired Potter who narrowly managed to avoid the jinx by milimetres. The two then engaged in what was probably the fiercest wizard duel since Dumbledore vs Grindlewald; except this time, the two idiots were on broomsticks. The referee, dear Professor McGonagall, was beside herself in fury. Her face was redder than little squibby Filch's nose on a snowy night. And whilst McGonagall was busy screaming herself hoarse at the two imbeciles Potter and Snape, another fight between idiots was taking place. And that fight was between none other that the two handsome Black brothers; Sirius and Regulus.

Polar opposites from birth, the two have hated each other even as little kids. Some of my sources even say that the two brothers haven't spoken since they both joined Hogwarts. Anyway, Gryffindor beater Sirius aimed a hard bludger at his younger brother, Slytherin seeker Regulus; clearly aiming to kill him. Regulus was hit hard in the stomach. Surprisingly, the young Black brother was able to stay on his broom, even mustering the strength to zoom over on his broom and punch Sirius in the face. Enraged, the older Black brother punched his younger right back. McGonagall was over there as quick as she could be, once again screaming her poor lungs out. Poor old bat, she should really just give it a rest. You really can't train viscious animals. The Gryffindors and Slytherins are much like the ghastly creatures that fool Hagrid looks after. They make look 'tame' on the outside but it's what's on the inside that's really disturbing.

In the end, once they had beat each other to bloody pulps, the match ended with Gryffindor triumphing over Slytherin. This match was definitely one that people will remember for a long time. Now, I think it's time Dumbledore called St. Mungo's as I think some of these players have some serious mental problems.


	2. Chapter 2

Rita reports on Quidditch!

**A repeat of history? Gryffindor and Slytherin clash in a brutal game!**

**March 15 1993**

I remember reporting on a brutal Slytherin vs Gryffindor match back when I was a gorgeous young teenager and it's amazing that I'm here again, reporting once more, on _another_ barbaric match between Gryffindor and Slytherin.

The match was vile. From the very beginning, it was clear that to the two houses involved, this was more than a Quidditch match. It was a battle of pride! Within the first five minutes of the game, two fouls had been made. During the next 30 minutes, the match had turned into something resembling a giants cage fight. Gryffindor seeker, Harry Potter, is much like his father (who played chaser for Gryffindor). Not just in looks(although he does have the same ghastly broomstick hair), but also in aggressiveness. Just like his father, Potter engaged in a fierce duel with the slick hair brat Draco Malfoy. Malfoy and Potter have been enemies since the first day they met. They came head to head in a fierce duel of the seekers that resulted in their hexes bouncing off one another and hitting members of the crowd. I must say, it was hilarious to see that little first year spout horns and tusks although I'm sure dear McGonagall would beg to differ.

And it was not just Potter and Malfoy playing dirty. Let's not forget the fat boulder like boys Crabbe and Goyle who play beaters for Slytherin. The two giant boys sandwiched poor little Gryffindor chaser Johnson between them, crushing her. However, the Weasley twins(who play beaters for Gryffindor) were onto Crabbe and Goyle within seconds. The twins aimed two bludgers at once which expertly hit Crabbe who fell onto Goyle. McGonagall was beside herself with fury but the match must go on!

Gryffindor keeper Oliver Wood managed to protect Gryffindor goal posts before little Malfoy took the beaters bat off of Goyle and hit a well aimed bludger at Wood that sent him flying off his broom. Chasers Spinnet and Bell were outraged and headed for Malfoy together; both punching him on either side of his face, breaking the young boys nose. If McGonagall was angry before, it was nothing compared to now. Her hat was askew, her perfect bun dishevelled. Jordan, the commentator, was clearly favouring the Gryffindor side. Although he provided a huge amount of comedic responses to the disgusting display of violence on the Quiddicth pitch, I think Dumbledore was silly to appoint a Gryffindor as commentator for a match such as this. But then again, we all know that Dumbledore has always made very _questionable_ desicions in his past life so choosing Jordan as commentator was not very surprising. However, Dumbledore's sanity is something I shall save for later. Stay tuned for that one.

Until next time, my dear readers. I have been Rita Skeeter A.K.A the only person keeping the _Daily Prophet_ alive.

See you next week when I dish the dirt on Gwenog Jones. You don't want to miss it!


End file.
